This is the first painting of the ‘Starborn’ series. I decided to start my painting career with a series of portraits of people I knew who are creating their own path. I got the nudge that I needed to do a self portrait (I don’t know why, we just know these things sometimes), but that still felt…off. (I’m not a person who’s into having their picture taken, and it felt a little egoic.)
As I looked through old photos, I found one of the few selfies I took when I was 25, and had just decided to briefly move home. I realized, to be blunt, I didn’t like my life. I wasn’t fulfilled in the work I was doing, in almost any of my relationships, or in how I felt in the day-to-day. Things were running bleak and I was the one at the helm.
I’m kind of in awe of that version of myself. It takes a lot of courage and humility, especially at age 25 to say, “No, this isn’t it. And I’m the common denominator of this life of which I’m not fulfilled.” Nothing was an instant ‘ah ha!”. I wouldn’t know for 6 years that painting was the thing I wanted to pursue. It was and has been a slog. With oh so much stumbling and flat out failure. A continual process of trying, failing, trying, slightly succeeding, trying, trying, and trying some more. An inch at a time.
We all want the movie version of life, but that’s just not a real thing. A big part of this path has been walking away from relationships that, try everything as I might, were never going to be healthy. And the realization that if I maintain unhealthy close relationships, I will never be fully healthy, or have peace.
A good book at any time in life is a gift, but a good book at the right time in your life is absolute magic. For this time in my life, that was East of Eden by John Steinbeck. One of the primary and pivotal themes of the book is around the word “Timshel”, a Hebrew word meaning “thou mayest”.
To summarize, it is the idea that God never said “thou shalt” or “thou shalt not”. That was an incorrect translation—it is always up to the individual to write her own code. You get to make your own life. You get to choose your own adventure. You do not have to live by what anyone else says makes you a good person. You know what is for you. You get to be you, in your life. And you get to enjoy that you.
I read this book at the exact moment I needed to, 7 years after I decided I needed to change everything, 7 years from the one in that picture. I cannot fully put into words the seismic shift that occurred within me. It gave me the nod, the wink, that I get to free myself from my past and the deeply unhealthy relationships I was in…and that I can be ok.
So as I began this Starborn series, it makes sense that I gravitated toward this version of me. One who was brave enough to pull the rug out from under her own life— brave enough to admit my life had to change. That I had to change. One who was full of hope, curiosity, and also so much fear and uncertainty. It makes sense to honor her.
I painted the background first, with not much of a plan, I just liked the colors together. The background colors ended up matching the skin colors from the photo really well, so it looks like she’s coming forward, separating from what was. That is about the time I read East of Eden, and so the name, Timshel, became obvious.
Because I’m a quote bitch, I’ll leave you with this gold medal to sum everything up:
“For what it’s worth... it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start over again.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald
Timshel.
Thou Mayest.
In love and gratitude,
Desert Dice